Tear Soup

If you have not read this book, I highly recommend it, no matter what kind of grief you are going through or what grief you have been through that still needs simmering every once in a while.

This has been a month of Tear Soup for me. Exactly one month ago, on December 31st, I had the best news to share- I was finally pregnant! I was so excited and was trying to figure out when and how to tell my kids. 2012 was going to be a great year because I would have a baby at the end of the summer. I immediately started thinking about how wonderful it would be to have Bryce in school (kindergarten) and have a new baby to hold for a few hours each day. I knew my kids would love the baby and it would increase the love in my house. After sharing with Jeff, I decided Valentine's Day would be the perfect day to share the news. What better way to celebrate the holiday of love!

Well, as you can see, it didn't exactly turn out that way. Because of my infertility history, I get to go to the doctor early for tests. I had my blood drawn twice to check for HCG and progesterone levels. My HCG looked great, but my progesterone was low, so he put me on supplements. I began bleeding a week later and started to panic. I have never had bleeding in a pregnancy. I went into the doctor, but it was too early to have an ultrasound. He put me on pelvic rest (I don't like that term!) and told me to come back in a week. My levels were drawn again, and everything looked good.

When I went in for the ultrasound, we found a baby with a heartbeat! Unfortunately, we also found a big pool of blood, that was termed a subchorionic hemorrhage. I had never heard of that. The dr. said it was fairly common and most will just reabsorb in the body, but he kept me on pelvic rest.  I was reassured by the heartbeat, knowing that my baby was doing fine right then and was strong! We decided to tell the kids that night, because we felt that the kids should know why mom was sitting on the couch so much. :-)

The next week I spotted for a few days and then on Thursday and Friday the bleeding became more and I called the Dr. He wasn't in, but they said I could see his colleague just to get reassurance that everything was fine. Well, everything was not fine. She did not find the baby or a heartbeat so I was told the miscarriage would happen over the weekend. I was devastated.  I decided not to believe the doctor (denial anyone?!) and just wait until Monday when I could see my doctor. Well, I did miscarry over the weekend, on January 22nd. It was heartbreaking.

Over this past 9 days, I have been hoping that maybe I was wrong, maybe there is still a baby there. Today I went in for an ultrasound with my doctor. He confirmed that the miscarriage was complete. The good news is that I don't need to have a D&C. He also talked to me about how dangerous this pregnancy was, and he was really worried for my health. The baby was implanted very close to my C-section scar and he said there was a 34% chance that I would develop Placenta Accreta, a very scary condition where the placenta attaches to the scar tissue and ends with a hysterectomy. This would have been a very long and scary pregnancy. This doesn't make the loss any easier, but it does give a little bit of relief.

I was debating how much to share on here, but since this is my journal and scrapbook, I wanted this baby to be honored. The kids were so sweet and so excited about having a sibling.

Now, we will be taking some time to decide what the next step is for our family. Please keep us in your prayers as we try to determine whether or not we will keep trying to add to our family, or if we will just be content and grateful for the 3 beautiful children we have. Tomorrow is Dallin's 10th birthday and the first day of February so my focus will defnitely be on him and how grateful I am that he made me a mom 10 years ago!

I have been so appreciative of all the support I have had from friends and family. Phone calls and texts and flowers and dinners have been flooding us. For my past 3 babies, the difficult part for me was getting pregnant and then I had very healthy, noneventful pregnancies. I have never had a miscarriage before, so this is a new loss I have never felt. Another book that I read that is helpful to me is call About What was Lost and it's 20 author's experience with miscarriage. Can you tell I am searching for answers and peace? If anyone has advice for how to get through it, I would certainly appreciate it.

For now, I will keep on having Tear Soup.

Edited to add: I actually forgot that we took this picture. When I told the kids we were having a baby, we went on a scavenger hunt that ended with ice cream at Baskin Robbins and the good news.

Jimmermania!



Last year, we became HUGE Jimmer Fredette fans, along with most of the country. If you have not heard of him, you need to google him and you will find all sorts of clips of his amazing shots. The best one is of his half court shot at the buzzer against our rivals, the University of Utah Utes. He took the Cougars all the way to the Sweet 16 before losing to Florida.  He ended up being named National Collegiate Player of the Year and was drafted 10th and ended up with the Sacramento Kings. When we heard the Kings were coming to Portland, we had to see him in person! The whole family loves Jimmer, including Bryce, so no one was left out!

We bought tickets with our good friends, the Porters and they joined us for dinner at Red Robin. We were able to have a "kids" table and an adult table, and it was really fun and yummy! We got to the game, and walked way, way, up to our nosebleed seats. (Can't afford much better when buying 5 tickets!). The kids did not complain. It is amazing how you can still see the whole court. We were hoping Jimmer would start because he had scored 20 points the game before. He didn't start, but when he came in, we all got excited! When he made his first shot, a beautiful 3 pointer swish, we all stood up to cheer, and quickly realized we were in the middle of Blazer fans. I tried to keep my excitement down a little after that, but it was tough! He made his next 2 shots and was 3-3, but missed his point after free throw attempt.

Our other good friends, Brian and Ranell happened to score really, really awesome seats on the 10th row, center court. They had brought their kids, but the 2 kids did not care too much about the game. They would rather be with their buddies. So Brian and Ranell offered to let us switch in the awesome seats. It was amazing!!! I have never been that close to a game. Jeff and I watched the 3rd quarter and unfortunately, Jimmer didn't play until the last minute. Well, the people in front of us left too, so Jeff went up to sit with the kids, and I was able to stay! What a sweet husband! (I am the bigger Jimmer fan, though, right Jeff?!)

What a fun night! After it was over, we met up with BYU alumni (they were hoping Jimmer would come talk to us, but he had to leave right away.) and we were each allowed to take a free throw shot. It was a late night, but totally worth it!! We love you, Jimmer!!!

Our original view! (The kids still loved it!)

 The kids table!

 The "quiet" table!

 Jeff sitting next to Brian, and Ranell is hiding!

You can see how much closer our view is here!

My silly kids

I love when my kids are getting along. Today they played games together, and then we found them all in the same bed. Jeff and I were laughing at which bed they chose to share...

This is Bryce's treehouse bed- barely big enough for a 4 year old!

In other news,

Dallin asked me to come to his game on Saturday and he played fantastic. It was a lot of fun! I will upload a video of one of his layups when I get a chance.

Love

I had a very profound experience while I was driving today. I am not sure if I will be able to convey it the way I would like, but I am sure going to try!

I have been thinking a lot about my goals for the year and what I want my focus to be. I love choosing a word for the year that represents me and my life at that time. When I read my friend, Rebecca's blog, I loved the word she chose, "Embrace." A lot of the things that she said really resonated with me. I know that I want to be more accepting of my weaknesses and stop trying to change everything about me.

As I was driving, the thought occurred to me that I am here to love. One of my gifts (as we talked about in church yesterday) is to love others and see them through the eyes of the Savior. I recognize that I have this ability and I am extremely grateful for it. However, sometimes I feel like I want more. I want to be able to sing or do art or organize or decorate or be naturally athletic. Today, I decided that I am going to go with the gift I have.

My focus for the year is love. When I try to decide how to spend my time, I will ask myself, "Is this showing love to myself, to others, or to Heavenly Father? " If it is, then I will do it. :-) If it isn't, then I will not do it. I think that sounds pretty simple and I am very excited about it. No complications, just love. I am ready to contribute to my family and the world in the way that I can. I am grateful for good examples in my life of love and kindness.

Dilemma...

So, my almost 10 year old loves sports. Wait, that is an understatement- he lives and breathes sports!! I have watched him play soccer, basketball and baseball since he was 4 years old. A lot of times, I am late or leave early from the games due to work at the YMCA or other responsibilities. There is a joke that he always scores or has a major play when I am gone. Sometimes when I show up at a game, the parents will tell me to leave so Dallin can score. They always say it with a smile, but now I am starting to really wonder if I should. Today he had a basketball game and I wasn't feeling well, so I stayed home. He ended up scoring 17 points!

So, what to do? I love to watch him play, but I am starting to feel he does better without me so should just accept my bad luck.

What would you do?

Happy New Year!

We were given a surprise blessing this year- Jeff was given the week of Christmas off from work! We decided to take advantage of the time and headed to Utah to visit his side of our family. The drive was not too bad and the weather was beautiful. There wasn't any snow to play in, but we had a great time anyway.

 We went ice skating.

 The kids enjoyed being at their grandparents.

 My sister Shelly came to visit with her cute kids! We went swimming and got to go for a run together!

 Emily did a great job skating on her own. 

 Even Bryce started getting the hang of it!

Dallin is very cute with his "little" cousins!

 We were able to watch some of Jeff's aunts and uncles (and his dad!) perform some songs for their dad!

Emily loved having girl cousins to play with!

It went too fast, but it was a great break from normal life. I am so lucky to have married into such a great family! They have always made me feel so loved and accepted. I am also grateful that my sister made the drive to come see us! I always love any time with her. It is fun to watch her as a mom. 

Nutcracker with Emily

As an update, our house has been much more loving. :-) I think my kids understood what I was saying, and I have been more aware. It also helps that we are out having fun, enjoying Christmas break. Trying not to be inside the house too much. :-)

One of my favorite Christmas traditions is Nutcracker with Emily. This year she had a chance to see a performance with her friend in it, but it would have meant I couldn't go with her. She started crying and said she only wanted to go with me. :-) It was so sweet! So, we got a great Groupon deal and went just the 2 of us. I was a little bummed to not have friends with us, but enjoyed the time with her. When we got there, we ran into our great friends and they ended up sitting by us. The show was fabulous! I love watching Emily's face as she is mesmerized by the dancers. 

Anyone else have a tradition they love?

To yell or not to yell...

We have a lot of expectations of ourselves as parents- before we actually become one and reality hits! It is hard work! It is so rewarding, but it takes patience, diligence, a good sense of humor, and an ability to calm down. If that last one doesn't happen, then some of us react by yelling. I had promised myself that I would not be a "yeller". I am uncomfortable around raised voices. I feel like for around the first 8 years of motherhood, maybe even 9, I was able to keep this promise. I had slipped up a couple of times, but it was definitely not the norm. Well, enter Bryce and his ability to bug everyone. My kids, who had not really argued and/or fought, suddenly became very short and annoyed easily with each other. I have a noise sensitivity and when it comes to whining and fighting- it is like nails on a chalkboard and brings out the worse in me. Slowly, I have turned into the "yeller." I do not like it one bit!! So, I have decided to own up to it, put it out in the universe, and hope that makes me more aware. I actually had a conversation with my kids about it yesterday. How can each of us add more kindness and softness in our home (and in the car especially)? I told them I will be taking "Mommy time outs" when I can feel my blood boiling! I also told them that I will give them one chance to go upstairs and do their arguing up there, or I start charging them by taking away screen time. We will see how it goes.

Anyone have suggestions for what works for them? What about in the car? I need something immediate! Ranell and I will chatting about this on gmail and Sarah said she has a link she is going to send me (hint, hint!). I would love more ideas and to know that I am not alone. :-) I want to enjoy parenting again!

Conquering Fears

Today was my very first piano recital. I always wanted to take piano as a kid, but we were too busy playing sports. :-) I taught myself the right hand and then when I went to BYU, I took one semester of piano. That was 12 years ago! So, now that Bryce is in preschool, I feel I am at a good stage to learn. I have really enjoyed it, but I forgot that I would have to perform in front of people. I am not good under pressure. My first marathon was horrible- remember? I start to panic and it is tough for me to recover. That being said, I am also a finisher. I do not quit. So, today was the day. I have been practicing and practicing, but I was very nervous. Right before I went up, I felt like I was going to throw up. My teacher said if I really didn't want to do it that I could pass at the last minute. But again, I am not a quitter!

It was a beautfiul Christmas concert, with many ranges in talent. It was fun watching the kids and even some of my adult friends play. We were almost at the end, which added to my anxiety. So, I followed Dallin, who of course, played beautifully! Then it was my turn. It started out alright, and then all of a sudden, the music didn't come as naturally. I had a hard time keeping track of where I was. I did get through it, but not as well as I would have liked. I am a little bummed about that, but I am not dwelling on it.  I am proud of myself for trying and for not giving up. Hopefully, it will get easier!

34 Reasons why Ranell is awesome

Ranell and I became friends in 2005 when I was teaching Connie (her oldest who was 3) in a Kids Gym class at the Y. We always seemed to chat for hours when we would run into each other. Over the years, our friendship has grown as we have become a support for one another. I am so grateful to have her as a friend. Here are some things about Ranell:

1. She is a fantastic mother.

2. She finds joy in the little moments.

3. She works very hard to talk kindly and calmly to her children. (I have even heard her when she doesn't know I am listening when she "butt dials" me!)

4. She is always striving to learn. We definitely share in our "self-help" obsession.

5. She is extremely organized. I have learned a lot from her.

6. She is willing to watch kids for anyone and everyone.

7. She is not "tit for tat." We have know idea who "owes" who when it comes to services or cash. :-)

8. She is willing to trade for time alone with our husbands.

9. She gave me the second best gift I have ever received (the first was my surprise weekend to CA to see Wicked from Jeff!)- she made me dinner every night for a week. That is heaven to me!

10. She accomplishes what she sets her mind to do. One year it was running a marathon, another year it was getting her Group Fitness Instructor certification.

11. She is completely loyal.

12. She forgives quickly.

13. She recognizes her mistakes and is willing to apologize.

14. She is fun to be around and makes me laugh.

15. She supports me in my goals and believes in my ability to achieve them.

16. She doesn't judge others.

17. She is patient.

18. She is one of the most thoughtful people I know and she follows through with it.

19. She is willing to do last minute crazy plans!

20. She doesn't bad mouth others.

21. She doesn't flaunt her money. :-)

22. She is a great friend, and I know she would do anything for me.

23. She is a great listener.

24. She is a fun mom who likes to do crafts with her kids and encourages them to do what they love, even if it makes a mess.

25. She is a great decorator.

26. She keeps a very clean house. I am very impressed by this skill! She will sometimes stay up all night to do it.

27. She is a hard worker.

28. She doesn't make excuses. 

29. She accepts me for who I am.

30. She has a strong testimony of the gospel and is willing to share it.

31. She has a love for books that she has passed on to Connie.

32. She loves her husband!

33. She likes to try new things.

34. She is awesome!!

Happy Birthday Ranell! I hope you had a fantastic day! You are the best!

I

Good news, bad news...drumroll...

...the good news is I am in a better place- mentally, spiritually and physically. I did not lose as much weight as I would like- probably about 5 lbs. :-) ( I would have liked to have lost 15!)  BUT, I have found my love of running and realized that I am happiest when training for a marathon. My body seems to need intense exercise and consistent mileage. So, that is what is next for me. My tentative plan is to run Newport in May. Originally, I didn't want to train for a marathon if I was trying to get pregnant, but I have decided that I can't put everything on hold. So, that leads us to the bad news...

...I was really hoping when I took the test this morning that it would be positive, but it wasn't. :-( The toughest part for me is hearing my kids' prayers for another sibling. I really want their prayers answered as well as mine. I am extremely happy and feel blessed to have my 3 kids and my awesome, supportive, cute husband! Hopefully at some point you will be hearing an announcement from me, but as for now, just know I am enjoying the blessings I have and I am ready to become a marathoner again!!

Who is with me? :-)

A Little Bit of Catch Up

November and December have been a little bit of a blur for me. I wanted to make sure I don't miss too much on here- both good and bad! :-)

Here are some pics to hold you over! (My 3 readers!)

Merry Christmas!

 Preschool Bowling Field Trip

 Grandma Nise in Town

 Bryce is silly, but can be a stinker!

 More Grandma Nise- yeah!

Our family pic- before Dallin's haircut. :-)

My son, the klepto (need advice)

Jeff has always teased me for being a klepto because we end up with hymn books or people's sweaters at my house. BUT, my stealing is always unintentional. :-) Jeff texted me yesterday to ask if I had borrowed cash from his wallet. I told him no and when he looked again, he realized he all that was left was half of a dollar bill, so he knew this was a small kid's doing. Well, come to find out, it was Bryce in the middle of the night. He is obsessed with getting money and buying his own Ipod Touch. (He's 4 1/2, remember?!) So, Jeff decided to give him a taste of his own medicine. He took every dollar bill and coin out of his piggy bank. When Bryce discovered it was empty, he cried and cried. Jeff said, "Isn't that so sad that someone came and stole all your money? How does that make you feel?" Jeff thought he had gotten the point across, but then an hour later we see Bryce's piggy bank has new change in it. He had taken Dallin's money. Ugh!!! Has anyone had experience with this? What should we do?

In good kid news, we taught them all how to play Settlers of Catan. I played a game with them last night, and it was surprisingly fun. Bryce actually won, and I realized he is just too smart for his own good- and mine!

Grateful for great parents

As I left Jeff with the kids at the restaurant tonight because I am frustrated that they aren't responding the way I want, I have gained even more appreciation for my parents. They were 16 and 19 when they were married and ended up being married for 37 years. They were not perfect, but they were an amazing example of love, dedication, faith and perseverance. It is not easy being a parent, but they taught me that the most important relationship is that of husband and wife and then you can be united as parents. I am so impressed that they both broke the cycle of broken marriages(of their own parents) and found comfort in a secure relationship with one another.

I thought of their marriage and my relationship with my father as I attended the temple this morning. I am so grateful that he fulfilled his duty as a father. I learned so much from him- mostly patience and love. That is what he gave me unconditionally. I am grateful that I can still feel him close to me, being my personal cheerleader and helping me not give up when I get frustrated with my weaknesses.

I miss him every day, but especially today. I love you Dad!

Thankful for the beach

We had a very nice Thanksgiving with good friends. We did not take many pictures, but just enjoyed the time together chatting away while the kids played. We had a fantastic dinner, and I believe my first attempt at a turkey all by myself was a success! I also made the homemade rolls, and K made everything else. She is a fantastic cook and everything was yummy! She even made my favorite-banana cream pie- on a moment's notice. That brought back all of my favorite Thanksgiving memories. We missed being with family, but were grateful to share it with friends.

I am a little behind on posting because I am at my favorite place- the beach. It is gorgeous weather and it is just our little family. We are enjoying the time we have to relax and be together. The weather has been incredible and we are loving it! We are thankful for friends who share their amazing condo with us. I will share pictures when we get back home!

The beach has always been a special place to me because of the connection I feel with my dad when I am there. I am never happier or more at peace than when near an ocean. I also love how happy the kids are just playing in nature.

Thankful for Dance Parties with my kids

One of the little perks of this house was a surround sound stereo system. Jeff was excited about this because it is something he wouldn't have bought on his own most likely, but can appreciate good sound! So, many nights our house is found with all of my kids and Jeff and I rocking out to whatever comes up on my Ipod. Some of our favorites: Dynamite, Eye of the Tiger, Beat It, Evacuate the Dance Floor, Hey Soul Sister, California Gurls, anything else!

This nightly practice has made 2 of my 3 kids very comfortable up on stage! For the church talent show, Bryce performed Beat It and Emily sang "What a Wonderful World".  I was very proud of both of them.