I know it has been a while since I have posted and I wish I could say it was because I was off doing exciting things like traipsing through Europe, but no, unfortunately there was no Europe, nor traipsing, involved. I have been mostly laying on my couch, sleeping to keep from coughing, and watching my kids play video games and watch movies. They have loved it!! I have been miserable and felt totally useless, but it has given me a lot of time to think. Here are some of my thoughts.
Wow! This has been such an emotional time. I was released from Young Women's after 4 years. It came as a surprise and I was really sad. I have loved those girls with all my heart. After praying about it, I felt very strongly that this is the right thing. The new presidency is amazing and it is time for other women to have a chance to influence these wonderful girls. I also realized it is my time to focus on my family. With this new little one coming, I am looking forward to trying to figure things out a little better. I thought being sick was taking away from this opportunity, but it has let me ponder on this.
I have been contemplating this a lot. I have known for a while that I had to figure out my own definition of what a good mother is and the kind of mother I want to be, or I will never be truly happy. It can't be based on anything else except what I can give. It is the most important role I will ever play and I want to succeed. I have struggled as I have tried to come up with this definition. What do I bring to the table? What are my talents? Is it okay that I don't do art projects with my kids very often? That I don't sew them cool things? That I don't scrapbook all their pictures? I have thought a lot about it and today I finally feel closer to my definition. I had an awesome walk with my good friend Suzie this morning! (This is one of the things I miss most about running. The friendships and venting that spending kidless time together allows.) I started thinking about when I feel happiest, and I realized it is when I am not in the house. Now, being a stay at home mom, and living in Oregon, you might see where I am going with this. I have always said that I feel I am a much better summer mom than winter mom. I love being outdoors. I can spend hours at the park playing with my kids. I love swimming. I love boating. I don't like being indoors. I just don't know what to do indoors and I feel like all I do is clean up after messes when I am inside. So, during the summer, we clean in the morning and then spend the rest of the day outside. I feel my kids are happier when they are running around also. Then we come home and have down time and I feel renewed. So, I have a few more months before the capri weather comes, and I am determined to learn how to be a good winter mom. If you have any ideas let me know. For now, I am going to try to take the kids swimming at the YMCA more and even just meet other moms at the Y to let the kids kick around a soccer ball.
I found 2 pictures of when I look truly happy, and of course, they aren't inside my house!! (Sorry that they both happen to be in a bathing suit, but being pregnant, I am remembering a better time!)
So, that is all for now. I am going to keep trying to find my strengths and use them. I do want to find joy in being a mother. I feel so lucky to be at home with my kids and to have a supportive husband.
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