Wednesday, December 21, 2011

To yell or not to yell...

We have a lot of expectations of ourselves as parents- before we actually become one and reality hits! It is hard work! It is so rewarding, but it takes patience, diligence, a good sense of humor, and an ability to calm down. If that last one doesn't happen, then some of us react by yelling. I had promised myself that I would not be a "yeller". I am uncomfortable around raised voices. I feel like for around the first 8 years of motherhood, maybe even 9, I was able to keep this promise. I had slipped up a couple of times, but it was definitely not the norm. Well, enter Bryce and his ability to bug everyone. My kids, who had not really argued and/or fought, suddenly became very short and annoyed easily with each other. I have a noise sensitivity and when it comes to whining and fighting- it is like nails on a chalkboard and brings out the worse in me. Slowly, I have turned into the "yeller." I do not like it one bit!! So, I have decided to own up to it, put it out in the universe, and hope that makes me more aware. I actually had a conversation with my kids about it yesterday. How can each of us add more kindness and softness in our home (and in the car especially)? I told them I will be taking "Mommy time outs" when I can feel my blood boiling! I also told them that I will give them one chance to go upstairs and do their arguing up there, or I start charging them by taking away screen time. We will see how it goes.

Anyone have suggestions for what works for them? What about in the car? I need something immediate! Ranell and I will chatting about this on gmail and Sarah said she has a link she is going to send me (hint, hint!). I would love more ideas and to know that I am not alone. :-) I want to enjoy parenting again!


skbkmjfamily said...

Something must have happened with these boys because you described life with Jace. However, we also have some major issues with Maryn.

This has always been my biggest challenge. I am so quick to REACT, that I have spent years fasting, praying, reading, praying harder. I have seen myself improve but I also feel like it is not enough. I don't want to be a Reacter I want to be Proactive.
Something I am learning right now with Maryn is Slow Down. Her doctor talked to us about the words calm down actually do the opposite, so instead we need to slow down. This is imagine a flower and bubbles, you want to breathe in the flower and blow out slow enough to create one big bubble. I have found this works awesome. My goal right now is before I can say anything to anyone I have to slow down. Remove than act. I recently read the book the explosive child and loved the guide it gives. Empathy, state the problem, invite.

you share empathy, "you want that car but he has it" basically just restate what they are saying. Than state the problem " Well so and so was already playing with it and we may not take it away." Than you invite them to solve it " So can we work together to find a solution to make both of us happy." The solution has to be a together thing. I normally stick with empathy for a minute with Maryn before moving on.

This is the one thing I dislike the most about myself, and the one thing that I want to change. It is hard, and takes so much work, but like you said it helps. The other thing I keep reminding myself of a scripture I read recently and am hanging in my home: James 1:19- "Wherefore my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath".

I know I am not one to give advice or guidance on this. I can sympathize and tell you that I think the fact you are aware and striving, you will see great things, I know I do. i have been thinking about our family theme for next year and i just keep coming to the proclamation and how I need to help create respect, love, peace in our home and a lot of it comes from my example. Your a great mom Kelly, you will find what works.

Trina said...

Kelly you are such an amazing mom!!! I don't know much about parenting yet, but when I was teaching and I was about to lose it I would force my voice to get slower and quieter. The days I was super super mad I would be talking sooo quiet- whisper-right by the child. (Maybe sometimes through clenched teeth.:) It helped me at least look and feel a little more like I was in control of myself and the situation. :) Let me know when you find the solution! I would love to hear it!

Emily Foley said...

I don't have any answers but you are NOT alone. Especially during Christmas break when they're extra hyper and no school to distract them. :)

Ranell said...

We already talked about this a bit, and I'm glad to have a partner to help me work on this, because I need help!!

The book "Scream Free Parenting"

I am currently reading (and highlighting) it. I will share it with you when I'm done and we will discuss.

You are NOT alone!

I also liked "The Explosive Child". I read it when Connie was having so much trouble at school. I need to reread it now for Michael. You can also borrow that one, because of course I own it.