Suck it up!

That is what I feel like telling myself. I am going to say it every day. :-) Maybe I will put it in vinyl lettering in my kitchen! (Kidding of course) As I was listening to the talks in Sacrament Meeting, that was the overwhelming message I felt. (They didn't phrase it that way!) The talks were on happiness, and I realized they were just for me. I have been wallowing for a little over a month. Yes, I need time to grieve. Yes, I can be sad about my situation. But, I also need to be a whole person again. I am forever changed because of this experience, but I can also look to the future with excitement instead of dread and trepidation. I am ready to do the things I love again. I am training for a marathon which will give me purpose to getting my health back. I am starting to think about what to put in my garden boxes. I am in a great stage of life and I am enjoying my extra time with Bryce. Have you spent time with him? He is one funny kid!! He makes me laugh every day. I have great friends and family who love me. I have a Heavenly Father who knows me and loves me and wants me to turn to Him. I have a Savior who died for me and understands ALL of my heartache. I will turn to all of them.

March is my birthday month, so it is a great time to find myself again. I just found out I will be getting a weekend alone with my amazing sweetheart! (Thanks Ranell for taking the kids!)  I made a yummy, healthy dinner tonight that actually made me appreciate that I can cook again. I am not setting a million expectations of myself, I just want to get back to being the person and mom I love to be.

1. Active
2. Healthy
3. Fun Loving
4. Patient with my imperfections and others
5. Striving to be close to the Spirit
6. Kind
7. Silly
8.Friendly
9. Quick to Apologize and Forgive
10. Laugh at my mistakes!

Love and Compassion

I think Love and Compassion is a great title to describe the first half of February!

First of all, I was loving the sun!! We had a good week of nice, warm, not normal February in Oregon weather. So, we took as many chances as we could to go on bike rides and go to the park. My good friend called me to go the park and it was kind of a crazy day, but I couldn't pass up the chance and I am glad I did! Bryce was pretty excited that he learned the monkey bars! Dallin had a non-birthday party with all the boys in his class who were in town (8 boys total!) and I was glad the weather was nice enough for them to play outside most of the time. I sure love our location on a dead end street!

We have had lots of family time, and our focus has been on showing more love to one another. We went to a BYU basketball game with good friends. BYU won and it seemed to be more BYU fans than University of Portland fans. And yes, we are all matchy matchy. :-) (Dallin and Jeff's shirts came in the nick of time!)

Valentine's Day Kelly style- I have been trying to be more accepting of the fact that I am not a naturally creative person. I love to celebrate holidays because it is fun for the kids, but I have a hard time figuring out what to do. I am also frugal (ie cheap!) so it is hard for me to spend money. This year I found a cute "Love" sign on sale at Safeway of all places and these cute heart shaped notepads. Emily had suggested that we do love notes for each other and since I had not gone shopping for buckets, we made do with paper bags. I think the heart attacks on the doors turned out cute! We did a "fancy" dinner with sparkling cider and I made waffles with strawberries and whipped cream. It was a fun night and I am happy with how it turned out.

My sweetheart- Jeff and I have been lucky enough to spend extra time together this year. When Bryce is at preschool, we are able to go to lunch together sometimes. This included yesterday (no pictures though!). The other thing we were able to do this year that I haven't mentioned is we went to a concert for his birthday. I think it was the first time I was truly able to surprise him with something he really liked. :-) We went and saw City and Colour one of his favorite singers. (Don't worry if you haven't heard of him.) It was fantastic and we ended up getting the only seats. (There was probably about 30 seats, the rest was standing room-it was a small concert hall.) This was in the middle of horrible January and just the distraction we needed! We also had a fun Valentine's date on Saturday night. We went out to dinner with Ranell and Brian (we usually swap babysitting with them, but this time opted to go together and paid a sitter!) and then went to a dance at our building. I don't have pictures (need to get some from Ranell!) but there was a good turnout and it was a lot of fun. I hope we can make this a tradition!

Compassion- Emily received an award at school for Compassion. I can't think of a better characteristic I would rather have her honored for. She definitely takes after her Grandpa John and is living his legacy. She is so helpful and thoughtful. I love any time I get to spend with Emily. We were able to go on a field trip to the Children's Theater together. She is my little play buddy and I love her!

 Well, that is February so far. Whew!

10 years- Really?!

Happy 10th Birthday, Dallin Jeffrey Marker!

Yes, I am that mom saying, "Where has the time gone?" I will never forget the day I became a mother. My road to motherhood was not as smooth as I would have liked and then I was disappointed to end up with a C-section, but when I held that sweet baby for the first time, none of that mattered! I couldn't believe my dream of being a mom was coming true! I loved so much about those early days, months and years. The C-section allowed me to spend more time sitting on the couch then I think I would have. I loved watching his first smile (at 4 weeks) and then every first after that! I loved teaching him new "tricks". He was a quick learner and was a lot of fun. He has always been very mild and kind hearted. He is obedient to the extreme. Even when he doesn't want to do what I ask, he can't NOT do it. It's very funny. (Not to him.) He loves sports and never takes off the Green Bay Aaron Rodgers jersey he got for Christmas. He loves to play sports in real life, but his new obsession is the Xbox Madden game. He loves to give the play by play.

He is great with his brother and sister, some of the time. :-) He enjoys playing football and soccer with them. He has been a true joy to raise. I am so grateful to have him as my first son. What special memories and fun we have shared. I will have to add more pictures.

Tear Soup

If you have not read this book, I highly recommend it, no matter what kind of grief you are going through or what grief you have been through that still needs simmering every once in a while.

This has been a month of Tear Soup for me. Exactly one month ago, on December 31st, I had the best news to share- I was finally pregnant! I was so excited and was trying to figure out when and how to tell my kids. 2012 was going to be a great year because I would have a baby at the end of the summer. I immediately started thinking about how wonderful it would be to have Bryce in school (kindergarten) and have a new baby to hold for a few hours each day. I knew my kids would love the baby and it would increase the love in my house. After sharing with Jeff, I decided Valentine's Day would be the perfect day to share the news. What better way to celebrate the holiday of love!

Well, as you can see, it didn't exactly turn out that way. Because of my infertility history, I get to go to the doctor early for tests. I had my blood drawn twice to check for HCG and progesterone levels. My HCG looked great, but my progesterone was low, so he put me on supplements. I began bleeding a week later and started to panic. I have never had bleeding in a pregnancy. I went into the doctor, but it was too early to have an ultrasound. He put me on pelvic rest (I don't like that term!) and told me to come back in a week. My levels were drawn again, and everything looked good.

When I went in for the ultrasound, we found a baby with a heartbeat! Unfortunately, we also found a big pool of blood, that was termed a subchorionic hemorrhage. I had never heard of that. The dr. said it was fairly common and most will just reabsorb in the body, but he kept me on pelvic rest.  I was reassured by the heartbeat, knowing that my baby was doing fine right then and was strong! We decided to tell the kids that night, because we felt that the kids should know why mom was sitting on the couch so much. :-)

The next week I spotted for a few days and then on Thursday and Friday the bleeding became more and I called the Dr. He wasn't in, but they said I could see his colleague just to get reassurance that everything was fine. Well, everything was not fine. She did not find the baby or a heartbeat so I was told the miscarriage would happen over the weekend. I was devastated.  I decided not to believe the doctor (denial anyone?!) and just wait until Monday when I could see my doctor. Well, I did miscarry over the weekend, on January 22nd. It was heartbreaking.

Over this past 9 days, I have been hoping that maybe I was wrong, maybe there is still a baby there. Today I went in for an ultrasound with my doctor. He confirmed that the miscarriage was complete. The good news is that I don't need to have a D&C. He also talked to me about how dangerous this pregnancy was, and he was really worried for my health. The baby was implanted very close to my C-section scar and he said there was a 34% chance that I would develop Placenta Accreta, a very scary condition where the placenta attaches to the scar tissue and ends with a hysterectomy. This would have been a very long and scary pregnancy. This doesn't make the loss any easier, but it does give a little bit of relief.

I was debating how much to share on here, but since this is my journal and scrapbook, I wanted this baby to be honored. The kids were so sweet and so excited about having a sibling.

Now, we will be taking some time to decide what the next step is for our family. Please keep us in your prayers as we try to determine whether or not we will keep trying to add to our family, or if we will just be content and grateful for the 3 beautiful children we have. Tomorrow is Dallin's 10th birthday and the first day of February so my focus will defnitely be on him and how grateful I am that he made me a mom 10 years ago!

I have been so appreciative of all the support I have had from friends and family. Phone calls and texts and flowers and dinners have been flooding us. For my past 3 babies, the difficult part for me was getting pregnant and then I had very healthy, noneventful pregnancies. I have never had a miscarriage before, so this is a new loss I have never felt. Another book that I read that is helpful to me is call About What was Lost and it's 20 author's experience with miscarriage. Can you tell I am searching for answers and peace? If anyone has advice for how to get through it, I would certainly appreciate it.

For now, I will keep on having Tear Soup.

Edited to add: I actually forgot that we took this picture. When I told the kids we were having a baby, we went on a scavenger hunt that ended with ice cream at Baskin Robbins and the good news.

Jimmermania!



Last year, we became HUGE Jimmer Fredette fans, along with most of the country. If you have not heard of him, you need to google him and you will find all sorts of clips of his amazing shots. The best one is of his half court shot at the buzzer against our rivals, the University of Utah Utes. He took the Cougars all the way to the Sweet 16 before losing to Florida.  He ended up being named National Collegiate Player of the Year and was drafted 10th and ended up with the Sacramento Kings. When we heard the Kings were coming to Portland, we had to see him in person! The whole family loves Jimmer, including Bryce, so no one was left out!

We bought tickets with our good friends, the Porters and they joined us for dinner at Red Robin. We were able to have a "kids" table and an adult table, and it was really fun and yummy! We got to the game, and walked way, way, up to our nosebleed seats. (Can't afford much better when buying 5 tickets!). The kids did not complain. It is amazing how you can still see the whole court. We were hoping Jimmer would start because he had scored 20 points the game before. He didn't start, but when he came in, we all got excited! When he made his first shot, a beautiful 3 pointer swish, we all stood up to cheer, and quickly realized we were in the middle of Blazer fans. I tried to keep my excitement down a little after that, but it was tough! He made his next 2 shots and was 3-3, but missed his point after free throw attempt.

Our other good friends, Brian and Ranell happened to score really, really awesome seats on the 10th row, center court. They had brought their kids, but the 2 kids did not care too much about the game. They would rather be with their buddies. So Brian and Ranell offered to let us switch in the awesome seats. It was amazing!!! I have never been that close to a game. Jeff and I watched the 3rd quarter and unfortunately, Jimmer didn't play until the last minute. Well, the people in front of us left too, so Jeff went up to sit with the kids, and I was able to stay! What a sweet husband! (I am the bigger Jimmer fan, though, right Jeff?!)

What a fun night! After it was over, we met up with BYU alumni (they were hoping Jimmer would come talk to us, but he had to leave right away.) and we were each allowed to take a free throw shot. It was a late night, but totally worth it!! We love you, Jimmer!!!

Our original view! (The kids still loved it!)

 The kids table!

 The "quiet" table!

 Jeff sitting next to Brian, and Ranell is hiding!

You can see how much closer our view is here!

My silly kids

I love when my kids are getting along. Today they played games together, and then we found them all in the same bed. Jeff and I were laughing at which bed they chose to share...

This is Bryce's treehouse bed- barely big enough for a 4 year old!

In other news,

Dallin asked me to come to his game on Saturday and he played fantastic. It was a lot of fun! I will upload a video of one of his layups when I get a chance.

Love

I had a very profound experience while I was driving today. I am not sure if I will be able to convey it the way I would like, but I am sure going to try!

I have been thinking a lot about my goals for the year and what I want my focus to be. I love choosing a word for the year that represents me and my life at that time. When I read my friend, Rebecca's blog, I loved the word she chose, "Embrace." A lot of the things that she said really resonated with me. I know that I want to be more accepting of my weaknesses and stop trying to change everything about me.

As I was driving, the thought occurred to me that I am here to love. One of my gifts (as we talked about in church yesterday) is to love others and see them through the eyes of the Savior. I recognize that I have this ability and I am extremely grateful for it. However, sometimes I feel like I want more. I want to be able to sing or do art or organize or decorate or be naturally athletic. Today, I decided that I am going to go with the gift I have.

My focus for the year is love. When I try to decide how to spend my time, I will ask myself, "Is this showing love to myself, to others, or to Heavenly Father? " If it is, then I will do it. :-) If it isn't, then I will not do it. I think that sounds pretty simple and I am very excited about it. No complications, just love. I am ready to contribute to my family and the world in the way that I can. I am grateful for good examples in my life of love and kindness.

Dilemma...

So, my almost 10 year old loves sports. Wait, that is an understatement- he lives and breathes sports!! I have watched him play soccer, basketball and baseball since he was 4 years old. A lot of times, I am late or leave early from the games due to work at the YMCA or other responsibilities. There is a joke that he always scores or has a major play when I am gone. Sometimes when I show up at a game, the parents will tell me to leave so Dallin can score. They always say it with a smile, but now I am starting to really wonder if I should. Today he had a basketball game and I wasn't feeling well, so I stayed home. He ended up scoring 17 points!

So, what to do? I love to watch him play, but I am starting to feel he does better without me so should just accept my bad luck.

What would you do?

Happy New Year!

We were given a surprise blessing this year- Jeff was given the week of Christmas off from work! We decided to take advantage of the time and headed to Utah to visit his side of our family. The drive was not too bad and the weather was beautiful. There wasn't any snow to play in, but we had a great time anyway.

 We went ice skating.

 The kids enjoyed being at their grandparents.

 My sister Shelly came to visit with her cute kids! We went swimming and got to go for a run together!

 Emily did a great job skating on her own. 

 Even Bryce started getting the hang of it!

Dallin is very cute with his "little" cousins!

 We were able to watch some of Jeff's aunts and uncles (and his dad!) perform some songs for their dad!

Emily loved having girl cousins to play with!

It went too fast, but it was a great break from normal life. I am so lucky to have married into such a great family! They have always made me feel so loved and accepted. I am also grateful that my sister made the drive to come see us! I always love any time with her. It is fun to watch her as a mom.