Sunday, November 30, 2008

It's been a year...

How do you put into words how your life changes when someone you love so much is gone? My goal this year was to become more like my dad. To continue his legacy of kindness , generosity, and optimism. In so many ways I felt like I failed. All those days that I spent laying in bed and crying. All those days that I did nothing. But then I realized one of the best things about my dad was his ability to move forward. He didn't dwell on things of the past. He didn't beat himself up if he wasn't perfect. (I am actually not sure where I got that trait from.) He never held a grudge and he never worried about the future. He just enjoyed life, one moment at a time. If he made a mistake he was quick to admit it. He wasn't afraid to show his weaknesses. He never tried to be someone he wasn't. Just the other day a good friend of mine reminded me of this. I just need to be myself.
Overall, I did the best I could this year. I had hard days and very hard days. There has not been a day gone by that I didn't think of my dad. I hope that never changes. I want to think about him every day. I want to think about the great person that he was and is. I want to think about how to make him proud. One thing I have learned is that I don't have to be perfect to make him proud. In fact, I am sure that when I focus on all of the things I am NOT doing, it just makes him sad. So, my goal for this year is to just be the best ME I can, with all of my weaknesses and imperfections. I think that would make my dad proud.
I am grateful for the example of my father. He showed me how to love others unconditionally. He showed me how to find the good in everyone. He showed me how to have faith in Heavenly Father even when we don't know all the answers. When I asked Emily what she remembered about Grandpa John, one of the things she said was, "that he loved Grandma Nise." That was one of the best examples- how he treated my mom. I still miss you, dad, and I always will. Thanks for being an amazing father. I love you.
I am also grateful to my friends and family who have been there for me this past year. I know I haven't always been myself, and I am grateful for the patience and love you have shown. Sarah left a sweet gift inside my house today and it meant so much to me. My other good friend, Kristie, brought us a meal and it is that kind of kindness that helps in these tough times. My husband has been such a strength for me. Thanks to all of you.

7 comments:

amydear said...

I'm sure the way you're living your life is making your Dad very proud. You are a great person!

Suzie Petunia said...

I am so lucky I get to be your friend. Your heart is so good. You have nothing but good intentions. You are the most steadfast friend I've ever known. How could your dad NOT be proud of all of that?

Ranell said...

Kelly, if someone asked me to describe you, this is what I would say:

She enjoys life, one moment at a time. If she makes a mistake she is quick to admit it. She isn't afraid to show her weaknesses. She doesn't try to be someone she isn't. (and I could go on and on!)

Sound familiar?! I am serious that as I read your beautiful words about your father, I felt I was reading about you. I never met him, and I wasn't as close to you at this time last year when you were going through the darkest days after his death, but I do know this: YOU are a wonderful legacy of his kindness, optimism, energy, and forgiveness. I hear you talk about him and I believe what you say is true because of the way you live your life. I don't have any relationship with my father at this time and sadly he has only been a source of sadness and pain in my life, but because of people like you and your dad who I have been blessed to know, I still believe in the goodness and positive power of Fatherhood. Thank you for sharing so much about your dear father, both in your blog and in person, with me. I am better for it.

I am truly blessed to have you as my friend.

emily said...

Your dad sounds like an amazing person. He must have been, if he had an amazing daughter like you to love him!

Erica said...

Your dad sounds like an awewsome guy! I am glad he was able to meet Bryce too. I agree with everyone, you are a great person and you would make him proud! I tagged you on my blog.

Molly said...

Thanks for your sweet, touching post Kelly.
You are a dear, kind friend to me and many,many others. In fact you have so many friends that I actually feel really "special" when you call me out of the blue or leave a nice comment on my blog. Love you girl!

JP said...

You radiate goodness...even before I met you in person. You are also a fantastic example of kindness. I can only imagine what a wonderful family you have.

You are amazing...and I know your dad is proud.